the grief mechanism.

i've had no time to sleep lately (sad, i know), so i conked out earlier than usual last night at around midnight.

this morning i woke up at 8.30, only to check my text messages and find out that a friend's mom has passed away. his mom has had cancer for a couple of years and the chemotherapy and radiotherapy ceased to work. she progressively got weaker and weaker, and just slipped away.

on one hand, it's a relief that she's not in pain anymore. she couldn't talk, or walk, or sleep, or eat for the last week or so of her life. so it's a relief that the suffering has ceased. on the other hand, i cannot imagine how my friend's feeling. he's not the overtly extroverted kind, but tends to mull over things for extended periods of time.

ironically, it is a sunny bright day over here. and he a few streets away from me. i can't imagine how he must be feeling and how he must be coping with the grief of losing a loved one.

and they hey, it strikes me that perhaps i understand...even if it's just for a little bit.

when i got diagnosed last year, the idea that i had a dead pancreas took some time to sink in. you guys know i have type 2 diabetes, but because i was admitted with DKA, the doctor tested my pancreas function and found it was zero. but how i became a type 2 is a longer story, for another day (perhaps my diaversary?)

but anyway once the idea that my pancreas wasn't working had sunk in, i sunk into a rather depressed state. i don't think it was clinical depression, but i was just...down. i spent loads of time in tears, asking God why this had to happen to me. i took my shots very grudgingly, and even broke down in sobs at the diabetes nurse's office saying that i wasn't normal anymore.

grief rears its ugly head in so many ways. i don't know how i got out of that depressed state, but i'm glad i did. now i pray my friend will be able to pull himself out of the grief that follows his loss, in time to come.