Sugar Free Musings.

saturday morning hospital drama.

2008-08-02T12:17:00.002+08:00

i know i've been posting rather infrequently, but don't you worry. i am still very much alive and kickin', thank you very much.

okay so this fine saturday noon, i'm going to write about my harrowing experience at the hospital this morning.

my endo ordered me to go for a blood test. it's called the "risk assessments" if i'm not wrong and basically they take my blood to test cholesterol levels, liver function and bla bla bla. drawing blood from me is not a problem. i think i am pretty much immune to needles now. and anyway we diabetics are terribly unafraid of blood...so i reckon.

what sucks is having to pee into those little vials.

because no matter how much water i drank, i just could. not. pee.

it's really harrowing to walk in and out of toilets for an hour. but anyway in the end i got some pee out of my body and the lovely, friendly nurse said it was enough. :)

and that's not the end of my story!

i had to fast from 10pm last night, so basically no food in my system despite waking up at a nice 4.0mmol (72mg/dL). and so after an hour of walking around trying to mentally induce myself into well, answering nature's call, i started to get dizzy and hungry.

and we all know too well what dizzy and hungry at the same time probably means.

to make matters worse, i'd forgotten to bring my good friend, the onetouch meter out with me. so after surrendering my liquid waste to the nurse, i decided i had to go grab a drink. i opted for milo, which is my favourite quick fix to a dropping blood sugar (normally in the morning when i don't have much appetite or after a workout if i know i don't want to eat).

10 minutes later i felt so much better and proceeded to catch a bus home.

hospital drama. all part and parcel of this diabetic's life. ;)

hung over.

2008-07-26T12:36:00.002+08:00

this photo was taken at a friend's birthday bash last night. birthday boy is the fella who looks like he's gonna take a big bite out of my head. i left the party at close to 11. i took a taxi home with three other fellas and reached home around midnight. youtubed and chatted with the brother till 2am, and fell asleep feeling oh-so-happy.

this morning i wake up. i feel fine, if a little groggier than usual.

i grab breakfast.

i get on with stuff i have to do, knowing that i have a date with the gym and my kickboxing class at noon. i've church after that at 2, so i decide to pack something to eat. i stand in the kitchen assembling a ham and lettuce sandwich, and pop an apple and some cherry tomatoes into my lunch box as well.

and then it comes.

a wave of sudden giddiness. i feel like i'm being thrown slightly off-balance. the headache starts to grab my temples and impair me.

half an hour goes by and i decide to ring my parents who are both not at home. daddy the professor has to attend a convocation ceremony today. my mom is out running errands. then out comes the trusty one touch meter and the blood pressure monitor.

blood pressure first. 114/68. that's fine.

a finger-stick next - 4.6mmol. let's recheck. 4.6mmol again.

maybe my blood sugar's on a downhill trend.

i wait another half hour and prick the finger again. 4.3mmol.

sugar we're goin' down.

my mom has returned and is going to bake banana bran muffins (YUM!) so i grab a del monte off the bunch.

i need to leave my house in 15 minutes. i'm getting hungry after eating that banana.

let's hope this afternoon will be a good one.

because i reckon i'm kinda hungover.

2008-07-09T11:10:00.002+08:00

this is blood-sugar friendly japanese food:
salmon sashimi and chawanmushi.
take note: this is what i am supposed to be eating at japanese restaurants.

this is not-so-blood-sugar-friendly japanese food
it is what i am NOT supposed to be consuming at japanese restaurants,
but sometimes the taste and thought of eating forbidden foods...
just makes it wayyyyyy tastier than it is.

i love the chewiness of the udon.
and the sushi rice is a very occasional treat.

and this is evidence as to why ben and jerry are my two favourite men.
strawberry cheesecake ice cream is heaven in a scoop.

and finally, here's proof of the carb/sugar-induced rush we had -
one of many photos taken using the self-timer on my camera!

***
and okay, i admit to the whole diabetes blogosphere right now that after that massively carborific meal, i didn't hit the gym. neither did i hit the gym the following day due to an allergy which affected my eye, and which warranted a trip to the doc's to get me some antiseptic eye drops. today, the elliptical is mine!

angel vs. devil.

2008-07-03T20:42:00.002+08:00

this encapsulates how i feel about diabetes. and just what i want to do to it! be entertained. and while i'm at it, so you can think dance is awesome stuff. i can only dream of being like those dancers...and i can keep swooning over neil haskel l while i'm at it.

love me. love my diabetes.

2008-06-28T00:04:00.002+08:00

dinner at a friend's house.
yummy chicken, beef and prawns cooked on the hotplate.
delicious chicken soup with wontons, veggies, more prawns, and other things.
carb splurge spent on a bite of mango pudding, a bite of chocolate cake and half a durian puff.

then the chilled bottle of red wine appeared on the table; how could i refuse a couple sips of the dark red cabernet merlot? i do enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, even though my metformin medication supposedly forbids it.

my friend pours me a little bit of wine into a a plastic cup. it's less than a quarter of the cup. and i sip it slowly, enjoying the fruity, mellow flavour of the wine. it's not too dry or bitter, and rather light, and i quite like it.

over drinks we begin talking about what a bunch of twenty-somethings inevitably talk about - relationships and the problems which come along with it.

right now i'm proud to declare here on the blogosphere that at the ripe of age of nearly twenty-one, i've never dated and that it doesn't bother me much most of the time. so as we chat, we dish out advice to each other. and we just...chat. just as friends do.

but that was then, and as i sit here now, i realize how diabetes changes my concept of dating. i don't mean that i don't want to meet a nice guy some day. because sometimes i do. as much as i would like to think that i am miss independent superwoman, i am not. and nature demands that i sometimes think about how nice it might be to meet mr. right someday.

but diabetes forces me to change my idea of who's the right guy for me.

you see, it's as simple as me not wanting to be a burden to him. because many times i fear that i'll fall critically ill and i will be a financial and emotional burden to the ones i love, future boyfriend/fiance/husband included. and i don't want that.

and so it's rather idealistic but simple to work out in the end - love me, love my diabetes. love me, love everything that i am and i have. and that includes my flaws, and diabetes is undoubtedly something he must live with because i need to live with it too.

and it's all part of loving me for who i am.

and with that, i conclude whatever i was thinking about in a part-drunken stupor (okay, i don't think i was drunk...it was just a little wine and a few sips of some disgusting vodka mixes the boys concocted).

beautiful no matter what they say.

2008-06-23T18:58:00.005+08:00

i've been hanging out in my house today with america's next top model on youtube as my companion as i want my ankle to recuperate.

my favourite contestant on cycle 10 hands down is whitney! she's a US size 10, so she's not stick-skinny like the typical ANTM contestant, but she's gorgeous. i guess it's because she's so confident about her body shape. and she is really pretty to boot. another thing i like about her (but this might be a personal bias...) is that she's also an '87 baby!

i like this photo of her published in seventeen magazine when she won. check out the tiny bit of flesh jutting out just above the swimsuit bottom. it's like, hey...that's normal! it's something girls like me see every time we put on that swimsuit. the extra bits of flesh, hey i've got that too.

point is, i'm still learning that bigger can be beautiful. i'm not saying here that i don't need to lose weight - because the truth is, losing a few kilos would be really beneficial for my overall health. but i won't ever be wearing a size zero because of my bone/muscle structure. i do have a bigger frame than the average tiny asian girl i see walking around me.

i have strong arms and shoulders, muscular calves. but i do put on weight around my tummy easily. i have nice skin which freckles easily, something sunscreen lotion can easily curb unlike some i know who battle acne and skin problems.

i don't look nice when i wear shirts with horizontal stripes, but tank tops and tube tops show off my shoulders - tanned and getting toned from swimming as regularly as i can. i may not look like your average supermodel when i put on a figure-skimming dress, but there are clothes i can wear which make me look nice.

the truth is, i don't love myself enough. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes. but sometimes it takes watching a favourite tv show to remind me that pretty isn't about being a size zero or two. beauty is something that resonates within. that's something i need to learn and to remember everyday.

***

and then i look at some photos of my girlfriends and i. and i realize...we are all beautiful. and it's okay to have hang-ups about the way we look sometimes, because all of us do.

and you guys can take a look at these photos above... because you can clearly see that some of us are smaller, some bigger. some shorter, some taller. some of us have really small eyes, some have big eyes. and so on.

but the truth is ... whether we're all dressed up in our prettiest clothes, with makeup on our faces. or whether we're at a favourite restaurant celebrating a birthday and sticking out our tongues at the camera. we are all beautiful...not just physically, but in every aspect of the word. we're strong, graceful beautiful women.

and you know what i think the essence of beauty is right now?

there wouldn't be beauty if there wasn't the concept of difference. and if big = different, then by all means let me be the alternative 'beauty' i want to be.

long overdue.

2008-06-22T20:07:00.004+08:00

in between summer term starting, and a whole lot of other things, i've barely had time to update. it's sunday night and i just had a delicious homecooked dinner of mince & potato casserole, salad and a slice of papaya after a day out at church and then to the movies after.

my gang and i celebrated two 21st birthdays recently, and it makes me so excited cos my own is coming up...and i decided to celebrate it with a small bang and have an afternoon tea party at one of my favourite restaurants with my dearest.

birthdays are all smiles and songs and laughter and joy, and i like them very much. probably cos they're a celebration of life, and after my own brush with death, i guess life becomes all the more precious, and worth celebrating!

the first was gabe's...and he's the guy in the striped polo tee sitting in the middle. somehow along the way i got roped into planning his wedding-like birthday bash and gosh it was terribly stressful sometimes, but seeing the whole plan come into action was probably the nicest present the few of us could give...aside from the cologne i ran around town hunting for, which was his 'official' birthday gift from us.

the second was estrella's, and she's somewhere at the back of this photograph. we couldn't celebrate on her actual birthday as she wasn't free, so we planned a surprise birthday party for her at swensen's, mainly because one of her favourite things ever is ice cream! and yes, we did pull the surprise off pretty darn well, we made a lot of noise, confused the waiters with our orders, and indulged in some wicked good sundaes (yes, i had some too! leeched off my friends, of course.)

friends, what would i do without them? we don't talk about my diabetes much. and i know they forget about it sometimes. they forget...so very often. offer me sips of regular soda, and so on. but when and if something major happens, i've got many shoulders to lean on, many arms to hold me close and tell me everything will be okay, many lips to offer me encouragement, many ears to listen.

and i know too well that they don't understand the struggles i sometimes face with dealing with diabetes, because it's something they've no need to go through. and that's what you guys are for. i may not post often, and i may have temporarily dropped out of the D365 project because of some camera woes, but i treasure your blogs, your writings, and the fact that even though we are geographically far apart, we share the common bond of diabetes and the ups and downs it brings us.

daena the grouch.

2008-06-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

1. i've been having issues with the person in the mirror of late, as we all do. some more often than others, i've come to realize. being rather jealous of skinny friends who can put on anything and look good does not make it better, neither does going to get a new pair of skinny jeans and having the lady tell me they've run out of my size do much for my self-esteem. perhaps i've not been exercising enough lately and have become a bit more flabby. time to kick my lazy arse off the chair. it's not a healthy thing to think, but lately i've been thinking that i'm ugly because i'm not thin enough. i know it's not good, so i must kick myself out of this slump. i may be a chubby size 12 or 14, but i can't be that ugly, can i?

2. i'm still searching for new insurance after the one i originally applied for bulked up my premium. does diabetes make me such a liability? it made me feel a little less human and more like some sickly specimen, which totally frustrates me. i am human. i just have a silly pancreas which decided over time to run out of steam and break down. i've to meet another agent on friday, and i'm getting the jitters.

3. summer term starts next week. i must bid my days of sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing productive goodbye.

4. i can't find my swimsuit. and swimming is my favourite workout of late because i love feeling my heart pumping and my shoulders and legs burning after each lap. and it keeps raining lately, when all i want is my sunshine and my pool time. give me the pool over the running track anyday. or the treadmill for that matter.

so that's today's round of complaints and rants. maybe life will get better soon.

the party planner.

2008-06-11T11:35:00.002+08:00

so i've been back from KL for about a week and i've been kept rather busy because somehow i unwittingly got myself roped in to help out with my friend mega 21st birthday bash.

when i say mega, i mean MEGA. it's huge! i became his unofficial secretary, and i was put to work compiling the guest list and calling up people.

then another friend of ours asked me for help with the photo montage slideshow the birthday boy's mum requested, since my laptop is the one with all the photos. it looks swell now, that it's just about finished.

and now we're ironing out the final details of the flow of the party which is on saturday night.

it's tremendously tiring and that birthday boy should give us a treat with the birthday money he's bound to receive. (:

in other news, i can't seem to find my swimsuit, but the sky's so grey i think i might opt for the gym or the elliptical machine instead today.

so i've packed my bag and i'm ready to go.

2008-06-01T00:03:00.001+08:00

off to kuala lumpur, malaysia for a short trip tomorrow afternoon. packed my stuff, and i'm ready to go after church tomorrow. it should be rather fun, so i'll be back with pictures on wednesday evening or thursday morning.

love, hugs and gummy bears,
dae.

fear, overthrown.

2008-05-28T19:18:00.002+08:00

perhaps it's this sudden onset of goodness-knows-what allergy which is messing with my head, but i just have to blog about this random thought.

suddenly, i realize i'm rather afraid of people i don't know well finding out i have diabetes. and type 2 diabetes at that.

people who already know me well don't matter. i know they'll see me through this life. i know they understand when i check if diet sodas are available at restaurants when we eat out, they understand whenever i ask a cafe waiter if the iced tea is pre-sweetened. they understand why i factor so much workout time into my schedule and don't complain when i'm late for appointments because i had to shower after a kickboxing session. see, they know and they understand. they don't blink an eye when i whip out my meter and give myself a quick finger prick, neither do they say anything when i discreetly pop a pill after dinner.

and they treat me just like i've always been treated - with much love and affection.

mostly, what i fear is the judgment that comes with having type 2 diabetes. i've said it before, and this is something i truly grapple with so much.

if i tell someone i have diabetes, what if they conclude that i brought it upon myself? what if they conclude that i deserve diabetes? sometimes i feel that if i had type 1 diabetes, things would be easier. i'd just have to explain that my beta cells started attacking each other. but type 2 diabetes is linked to my weight, it's hereditary, and it's been proven that asians are more likely to get it. does it mean i deserve it?

point is, nobody with type 2 diabetes deserves the condition. there are so many overweight people who do not have type 2 diabetes. would you say they deserve diabetes too?

in any case, diabetes is part of my life right now. it has been for the past one year and one month of my existence. nothing i do will make it go away. but the lifestyle i choose to lead will make my life a lot better.

it doesn't mean i won't be stealing two bites of chocolate cake. or indulging in something naughty like fried calamari rings now and then. it doesn't mean that i'll slack off on a workout once in a while. it just means that my health takes the spotlight in my life.

and judge me you may. and words may hurt more than sticks and stones. but it matters not when i see things in perspective. it matters not when i know for a fact that my fears are not going to govern my life.

it matters not when i know i've fought this far, and i can't lose steam because there are so many years to go.

ten things meme.

2008-05-19T23:29:00.003+08:00

naomi tagged me for this. great for some late night blogging!

so for your reading pleasure, here are ten weird things about me. (:

1: my favourite source of protein is chicken. followed closely by tofu. i always eat chicken whenever i have a choice. strangely enough, my favourite part is the breast, which is notorious for being dry and tough. but when cooked well, it's really yummy, plus it's nice and lean, and therefore, healthy! i especially like my chicken roasted, and eaten with a big, colourful salad.

2: i don't wear the colour grey at all; i just don't like the way it looks on me. i think it's just one of those colours that don't flatter me. oh well, can't ask for everything, can i?

3: once i cried on christmas day because everyone got me books. i know i love to read, but as a kid, getting a big stack of books for christmas and nothing else was rather tragic. you know how much variety matters to an 8-year-old.

4: i'm terrible at reading maps. just recently, i nearly got a friend and myself lost on the way to somewhere we'd never been before because i misread the directions on the map. okay, let's just say i lack a sense of direction. ;)

5: i wear glasses by choice instead of contact lenses. this is because i've got really sensitive eyes which get itchy rather easily. wearing glasses may be a hassle at times coz they get in my way when i'm playing sports or working out, but i'd rather live with the hassle than to risk infecting and irritating my eyes when wearing contact lenses. anyway the frames they make nowadays are so funky and i definitely don't have a problem with that!

6: i adore chick flicks! a good chick flick makes me feel all warm and bubbly inside, and i leave the cinema or turn off my dvd player with a big grin on my face. chick flicks are made even better when watched with a bunch of girlfriends. some favourites are 13 going on 30 and bridget jones' diary.

7: i do not own a single dress, and neither do i plan to invest in one anytime soon. i wear skirts once in a while, but dresses are way too feminine for my liking. my friends are always trying to find excuses to talk me into getting one. the fact that most of my nearest and dearest are turning 21 this year seems to be one of their biggest ploys; they claim i need to wear dresses to parties. but i maintain that i can look pretty in pants too.

8. i love spicy food, i don't tolerate it too well sometimes, but i eat it anyway because it's way tasty. and then i start tearing at the dinner table and my nose starts running. it makes me look terrible. but i really love food doused in spicy curries and chilli sauces! my favourite is thai tom yum soup, which always makes me cry!

9: my favourite comics are baby blues and peanuts. baby blues never fails to make me laugh, and i really love zoe and hammie's antics. and there's this innocent old-school charm about peanuts, plus i love linus and his blanket!

10: i hate hairdressers who try to push me into straightening or rebonding my hair. it's a silly idea to do so when i can get round my wavy hair problem by getting a cute short cut. plus, it's bothersome to mess with what nature has given me. if a hairdresser tries to talk me into rebonding my hair, i never go back to that salon. good thing i've found a really nice lady who's a great hairdresser.

i'm not tagging anyone because i'm too tired to think, so goodnight. i'll update more soon. (:

of relief and camps.

2008-05-15T00:08:00.003+08:00

comes three hours after a dinner i felt totally guilty about even thinking of eating.

beef pepper rice with cheese and brownie cheesecake. but if that is what a night out with some of my uni mates includes, so be it.

but the 5.0mmol (90mg/dl) i see right now, three hours later, is such a relief. tomorrow it's back to healthy low-carb eating. maybe it's the walk around town we had after dinner, and the fact that i had to walk home from the bus stop...that took me 10 minutes, which isn't a long time, but maybe it helped.

and i'll be running around with a bunch of 11-year-olds this weekend at camp wacky, which is a three day/two night camp my church organized for the 11-year-old kids, and which i'm helping out at. that should help me expand a bunch of energy.

we'll be playing lots of games, and i will be pretty busy running about doing stuff. i love camps like these (okay we're not camping in the wilderness, but i guess you get the idea) because they are so much fun. plus, i don't mind helping out whenever possible because it's a nice thing to do, and it's honestly a fun and healthy way to keep me occupied!

hopefully it won't have much of a bearing on my blood sugar. but i intend to keep a waist pouch with cellphone, coin purse, meter and snack/emergency sugar stashed in it strapped on at all times, because helping to run a camp involves some pretty crazy eating times and lots of moving around. i've not had a low in a long time, but i cannot rule out the possibility. plus it's always great to be prepared.

when i wake up i have a bunch of chores to do, and i'll be busy all evening too as i've just started tutoring a bunch of seven-year-old kids at a social work agency for free in english and math. i'll be away at camp all weekend and on sunday night after camp breaks, i've a 21st birthday bash to attend. so i'll be busy busy busy.

it's a good thing anyway, cos i love being busy! i just have to remember to take great care of my health while i'm at it. (:

such special people

2008-05-13T19:38:00.003+08:00

by some magical stroke of luck, chance, or as i'd like to see it, grace, my grandmother was warded at the ward i was released from one year ago.

she threw up blood clots on saturday night while i was out with my buddies, and my brother who was at home had to call the ambulance to get her to the emergency room. she's had some ulcers in her stomach which were bleeding and that is fixed. she might get discharged tomorrow, and i've got my fingers crossed.

my mom and aunt came home last night and told me, "your grandma's in the ward where you're famous."

it didn't really click at first because she was supposed to go to another ward after stepping down from the high dependency unit, but somehow landed there.

so this morning, my aunt and i went to visit her. it was strange, and sweet to see all the familiar faces! they didn't recognise me. i could walk past most of the nurses without having them recognise my face, which was really quite cool.

those ward nurses are such special people. let's see, i was not the easiest or most cooperative patient. i was recovering from a rather extensive surgery and i'd just been diagnosed with diabetes. on top of that, i'd also somehow wound up with a foot drop affecting my right foot. of course i was crying when they changed the wound dressing, and of course i made noise whenever it was time for an insulin shot. and to top it off, i'm a real nosey parker. anything they wanted to do to me, or feed me would duly be questioned.

but the nurses were really awesomely patient with me! despite the fact that i was such a difficult patient to take care of. they also managed to tolerate the noise generated by my many visitors and my mom's daily interrogation. plus, i think they really pampered me! (:

so that's why, even though they probably won't come across this entry, they totally deserve it. it's not easy being a nurse, because from what i observe it's a busy and stressful kind of job. and yet one year on i see most of them still there, slogging it out. giving injections, administering cupfulls of medicine, answering patient calls and dealing with family members. nurses are awesome people. because let's face the harsh truth - hospitals everywhere would be a totally nasty place without them.

being a girl...

2008-05-13T00:26:00.002+08:00

sometimes does not have its merits.

do not get me wrong. i love the fact that i'm the most pampered member of my family aside from sydney the guinea pig princess. i love getting to dress up for no reason. i love make up and girl talk over coffee, shoes and bags and everything nice with sugar and spice.

but i don't enjoy my female status once a month. when my best friend comes for a visit. she makes me a grumpy, irritable and perpetually hungry person. she messes with my blood sugar and gives me a bit of a hard time dealing with the small, but noticeable and annoying swings. she makes me crave chocolate, ice cream and potato chips. she makes me tired and lazy, and i don't want to go to the gym.

this time round it's made worse by the fact that i want to go on a trip to kuala lumpur with my friends, to help out another church run a children's programme for their church retreat. my parents issued me this ultimatum of sorts - that i can't go if another girl doesn't go. because currently if i go, i'll have three guys as my companions.

i should right now let you know that i live in asia and i am asian. and we function rather differently when it comes to family and culture. i may not have m uentioned that most of us live with our parents until we get married, and that family ties are typically very close. hence my need to ask my parents if i can go away for a little while with a bunch of friends. my girlfriends too, do face similar problems with their parents. and it's just the nature of my culture, which is something i respect, but which frustrates me at times.

i'm just feeling rather frustrated at this point in time, because hello, it's my twenty-first year on earth, and i'm old enough to take care of myself. on one hand i want to respect and honour my parents, but on the other, i want to be more independent. not that i am not, because i live with them but more or less do most things on my own, but from my perspective, perhaps they could loosen up a little. at the same time, i did complain to a friend over msn messenger about this and she says that at least my parents care. that i cannot deny.

on the other hand, i do understand why they want me to have a female companion. it's more or less due to the fact that there is safety in numbers, and that when we go out of the hotel to roam around, it's safer to have someone of the same gender with me when i use public restrooms and stuff. kuala lumpur is not exactly the safest place in the universe, and i understand that. it's also because i don't know anyone from the other church, and it would be easier to sort out our rooming issues.

in any case i have to head to bed right now because my grandmother was hospitalized again for a bleeding stomach ulcer and my aunt and i have to go see her tomorrow. and because my monthly best friend has arrived and is giving my abdominals a heck of a hard time. so goodnight, and i hope things will be better.

let this never end.

2008-05-09T21:44:00.002+08:00

i've been enjoying myself SOOO much these last couple of days!

i love, love, love vacation time. and i'm trying to relish it before my inter semester class (read: voluntary summer school) starts in the middle of june.

on monday, there was karaoke with my uni mates. it was wild, cheesy fun, singing all kinds of mandarin pop tunes at the top of our lungs, screaming at each other and in general just being silly.

on tuesday, i proceeded to be a total bum. but i was disappointed when trev, my hip hop dance instructor didn't turn up and the gym had to cancel the class. nobody knew though and we all went home rather upset. i hope he's back next week.

on thursday, i went out for a sushi buffet with my friends. now i know all about being a naughty diabetic. because i threw away all notions of counting carbs for those two hours of bliss. white japanese rice is like, the yummiest thing on earth. i did limit my sushi intake and i refused to order any handrolls because those hold just too much rice. i enjoyed lots of the side dishes - edamame, chawanmushi and fried tofu. and throwing all caution to the wind, i had a lychee flavoured ice cream mochi for dessert. yummy!

today (friday), a few friends and i went out to get birthday and mother's day presents. i had the most delicious vegetarian minestrone soup for lunch, which was lipsmackingly healthy and chock full of zucchini, kidney beans, celery, carrot and cabbage bits. we even got new earrings! i love shopping for gifts and making people smile. i'll reveal bits of it on diabetes 365 soon, as soon as i get my camera rolling again.

tomorrow, i'll have a healthy breakfast, go for some kickboxing class action and then head to church for a friend's baptism.

which reminds me, i better go start wrapping all the gifts i need to wrap!

scorched.

2008-05-05T21:01:00.002+08:00

the weather is getting really, really warm here. i don't mean tropical warm, like it usually is. the sun is scorching! it totally reminds me of aussie summers, there is nothing but blue sky, which is really pretty, but also, scorching heat!

i was playing tennis with some buddies yesterday and all three of us gave up 45 minutes into our two-hour game. it was madness. we'd not played for a few weeks, which made all three of us play net ball (get it?) rather than tennis. even the water cooler was spouting room temperature (instead of icy cold) water, which made us just feel sick. the swig of icy water my friend gave me later on was so much of a relief.

this heat is making me sluggish. the only exercise i want to do is to go swimming because it means being immersed in cool water, which sadly, isn't that cool. i want to drink cold diet coke and eat frozen yoghurt popsicles all day long. or crank up the air conditioning and stay in the cold comfort of my room.

thankfully though, there IS air conditioning, and i keep my hair short (don't need to keep tying it up in a ponytail or bun) and that i just discovered some relatively low-carb frozen yoghurt popsicles which have 10g of carbs each. and that the gym is air-conditioned, and so are the dance studios where i attend dance and kickboxing lessons. these are really little things to be thankful for.

but for now, let me crank up my air conditioning, and grab another cold diet coke. that's relief, right now, right here.

my grey's anatomy moment.

2008-05-02T18:10:00.002+08:00

my granny was warded a few days ago. she was found to be anemic and had to stay in the hospital for observation as she'd collapsed at home. my mom just brought her back home, so all is going fine.
anyway because the hospital couldn't get her a bed anywhere else, she was placed in the gynaecology ward. and right outside her room was the nursery, with all the wee little newborn babies.

whenever i went to see her, i found myself drawn to the nursery window. the babies in there obviously change rather frequently, as the new mommies get to go home just a few days after delivering.

you cannot look at babies and not feel slightly happier. the fact that their only worry is that they're hungry, or that their nappy is soiled somehow rubs off on you. you watch them yawn, wriggle their tiny fingers and tiny toes, and once in a while start to generate lots of noise. you look at them and decide which one you think is the cutest. even the nurses in there who checked on the babies every now and then were smiling at them.

ah, those little cuties. for the record, i've decided that newborns are indeed quite cute, but only when they're not generating noise. i still don't like them much when they go "waaaaaaaaaaa!"

anyway i remembered how meredith and george in grey's anatomy used to go watch the babies whenever they were upset. and how they'd walk away at least slightly happier. now i understand why.

baby therapy, you should try it!

wake up and smell the roses.

2008-04-30T17:33:00.002+08:00

today was the day. the day that comes once every three months. the day every diabetic either loves, or hates. it was the day that i had to visit my endo.

my endo is a wonderful, lovely lady. she's encouraging, and she really cares for her patients. she can be a little fierce or strict though, and i admit that took a lot of getting used to.

so anyway, my biggest problem at the endo's is never my blood sugar. i produce my log sheet, the nurse looks over it, highlights any numbers which are way too off my usual track, and she gives me my A1c results.

today my A1c was 5.2%, no change from the previous time, but a total relief since i haven't exactly been practising much blood sugar control in the past couple of months.

my biggest problem at the endo's is my blood pressure.

today even after the recheck, it was 138/80. that was a little worrying. anyway the good news is that my endo doesn't wish to start treating me for hypertension. reason being, i'm still pretty young and with better management of exercise and eating right, things should get better.

i was super scared while at the hospital and while waiting to collect my new supply of pills from the pharmacist i cried a little. yes, i can be a bit of a crybaby. but after thinking things through, i'm realized this. i'm still scared (because who wants to know they have hypertension?) but i need to realize and remember that firstly, God is in control, and secondly, i can make life easier for myself by kicking my butt back into swing.

so yeah, it's true that certain things do jolt me awake in a rather rude fashion. but at the same time, it's necessary to take a step back, smell the roses, and realize that things may not be as dire as they seem. that sometimes, change is not a necessary evil, but a blessing coming my way.

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

2008-04-29T18:27:00.004+08:00

today's my first diaversary.
threehundredsixtyfive days with diabetes.

i remember not wanting to go to the ER. i remember having my finger pricked for the first time, and the nurse saying that my blood sugar was really high. i remember having to pee into a little cup and the nurse saying there were ketones in my urine. i remember the ER doctor telling me i had diabetes, that i needed to go for an operation to take away infection on my abdomen. i remember lying there, semi-conscious after the op, telling the doctor over and over again that i wanted to go home. and the nice, patient doctor telling me that i would have to stay in the hospital for a while, i was really sick.

i remember waking up in the ICU. seeing all the tiny scab marks on my fingers from where the nurses had tested my blood sugar. seeing tons of IV sites on my arm, my neck. waking up to see my mom's face. having her feed me chicken broth and minced french beans for dinner. having my friend's sunflowers banned from appearing in the ICU.

i remember being moved to the general ward. meeting my endo and diabetes nurse. having them tell me not to cry, that life goes on anyway. that they have patients diagnosed with diabetes (though i don't know what type) at the same age as me. i remember giving myself the first insulin shot, and having the ward nurse have to press my hand down so that the needle would go into my abdomen. i remember seeing a dietitian for the first time, flooding her with so many questions she could barely keep up with me.

i remember too, the love and care shown to me. by my parents who visited me everyday. but my friend P, who was interning near the hospital i was warded at, and who came by every lunch hour to sit with me. by the people i knew who sent flowers, cards, and came to make me smile and cheer me up. by my friends who were patient with me each time i had to count carbs or take a shot before eating. by online friends i met, who understood and still understand it all.

i remember going home, learning how to count carbs and remembering to shoot up before meals. i remember the blood tests, the A1c's, the c-peptide and antibody tests. i remember the endo telling me that i have Type 2 diabetes, not Type 1 diabetes. i remember going to the pharmacy and bringing home my first packet of metformin pills.

i remember the fear. the anguish. the pain. the hot tears i cried when i felt abnormal, when i felt as though the world had crashed and i was the only one left. the times when i said i hated diabetes and i wanted to be normal again. and i remember the joy of finding the diabetes oc, realizing that there are people out there who live the way i now have to live. you might be miles away, but i feel far less alone, i know i'm normal, we are all healthy and normal people.

i remember now that life is more than the fingersticks, the shots, the pills, the hospital appointments, the logging, the working out and the carb counting. i remember now that life is worth celebrating, each day. because who knows, on 29th April 2007, my obituary could've appeared in the newspaper. because i would've slipped into a coma had my parents waited a few more hours to get me into the hospital.

because in short, this is literally my second shot at life. one year down, many more to come.

and in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure a year?

the happy girl.

2008-04-28T19:53:00.002+08:00

today didn't start out great. i'd anticipated waking up bright and early, making me a yummy breakfast of yoghurt and scrambled eggs, pottering around for a bit and then hitting the pool for some laps and to soak up the sun and get my required dose of vitamin d.

i woke up at 10am instead, rather groggy and sleepy. i intended to head out at noon (with sunblock lotion in tow, of course!) but i decided to bum around at home instead. i watched oprah, cooked some udon noodles for lunch, hung out with the guinea pig a bit, but got restless.

then at 3pm the sun came out. gorgeous blue sky, breezy, sunny weather. i put on my swimsuit and pulled a tank top and a pair of shorts over it. grabbed my gym bag and stuffed in a towel, some shower cream, a bottle of water, my wallet, phone, MP3 player and a copy of shape singapore magazine and left.

i swam for an hour and felt my muscles get a great workout. yay for that! (: then after cooling down and stretching out, it was time to bask in the sun. the sun was glorious! i love getting a dose of vitamin c this way, but i must remember to cap my sunbathing time to an hour or else i'd burn, and sunburns as we all know, are not fun.

lying on a deck chair, with my favourite songs plugged into my ears, a healthy magazine to entertain me, and lots of sunshine on my face, arms and back. simply delicious!

and then on a whim, i walked into a salon and made an appointment for a haircut. so now i've got my nice short 'do back. it's kinda like a cross between a really short bob and a pixie cut...perhaps i'll post a photo of it sometime.

me time: essential for a happy girl.

difference matters.

2008-04-25T11:58:00.003+08:00

i have to blog about this idea that popped into my head while in the shower a little while ago.

see, my friend cum exercise buddy asked me if i'm planning to stop going for Pilates classes at the gym. i told her i want to do one more term of pilates and think about it after the next three months worth of lessons is over.

then this realization popped into my brain while in the shower.

the difference is me knowing that at the ripe old age of 20, i have double her risk of a heart attack already. that by keeping this excess weight on my belly (i do have an apple-shaped figure ya know), i'm going to do no good to myself because it adds to insulin resistance. that basically, diabetes affects so much of my body, which is a really scary thought, come to think of it. the kidneys, the liver, the nervous system, the heart...

it struck me then, that the difference matters.

the difference matters because it is this difference that is motivating me to start taking much better care of my health.

it matters because sometimes i look at my friends who can pig out as much as they like on all sorts of carborific things which are pretty darn tasty and not have to drag themselves to the gym on a regular basis, and then feel a bit miserable. because so often it feels as though i am the only one who has to keep an eye on her health 24/7, who takes blood pressure readings once a week, who pricks her fingers a couple times a day, who just plucked up the courage to step onto the weighing scale every morning before breakfast.

this difference matters because it makes me want to fight harder, it makes me want to kick diabetes in the ass and let it know that i am going to win. this difference will make a huge difference in my life because i am one of 328, 000 diabetics in Singapore. and this one diabetic is going to make sure she is not the one getting her leg amputated, kidney dialysis, a heart attack, or going blind.

this difference matters because to me, it's fuel, it's power for my mind.

girl's day off.

2008-04-24T17:22:00.002+08:00

as i expected, today was awesome fun!

it rained really heavily this morning but nothing can dampen a day out with the girls, in my humble opinion. one of my friends actually waited for the rain to stop before leaving her place, so we had to wait for her. while waiting for her, i did a bit of shopping. you cannot kill the shopaholic in me, and i can be quite the vainpot when i want to be. i wandered into diva, one of my favourite accessory shops for a lookaround, and there was a rack of discounted items, so yay. i walked out with two necklaces, worth S$8.50 in damages.

soon after i'd walked out, our latecoming friend had appeared and so we went to get our tickets. hooray for student rates, because we got to save $1.50 on the movie tickets. we then proceeded to a hong kong style cafe for lunch, and we went completely bonkers on the dim sum. i believe i ate too much for my own good and i've refused to take my blood sugar reading since (i am off to the gym after i write this though). the dim sum, especially the char siu (chinese bbq pork) pastries were so delicious!

the highlight of the day was the movie. we finally caught definitely, maybe! :) nothing like a good ol' chick flick to make a girl smile. i love chick flicks, no matter how cheesy or similar they all are in the end. i repeat, there is NOTHING like a nice chick flick to make me smile.

i thought the story was oh-so-sweet, the chemistry between the dad and kid was pretty darn good, and who can resist a nice little romantic comedy on a grey day? not me! one of my friends and i loved the fact that the lead character truly loved the woman he had never been in a relationship with. it induced a fair bit of squealing from two of us. oh and i admit to spending a good amount of time mentally drooling at ryan reynolds, who i found to be rather charming in the movie. time to search for two guys, a girl and a pizza place reruns.

so it was a great girl's day out, and this girl's day off from diabetes. or rather, a temporary day off, because right now it's off to the gym to beat my blood sugar back on track. but even so, i reckon that taking time off to do silly things with the girlfriends, like order way too much food for three people and squeal our way through a sweet romantic comedy must surely be one of the best things in the world, ever. (:

all hyped up.

2008-04-24T00:08:00.003+08:00

tomorrow, or later for that matter, since it's past 12 midnight will be an awesome day. I'm going to try and forget this insane pancreas of mine and enjoy my day out with the girlfriends.

a few girlfriends and i are heading out for a nice lunch and movie outing, maybe with a bit of shopping thrown in, to celebrate the end of our finals. some of our friends still have exams to take, so we're happily celebrating on their behalf! i can't wait to watch definitely maybe, which looks like a nice chick flick-ish sort of movie, perfect for a post-exam treat.

i'm going to wake up, feed the guinea pig, grab some breakfast, potter around doing some household chores for a bit. then wash up, wriggle into my favourite black skinny jeans and what will probably be the first shirt i pull out of my wardrobe and head out of the house, happy to be going out to spend time with a bunch of awesome people.

who needs to remember diabetes when you have the most awesome girlfriends? updates to come. but right now it's time for bed. i don't think it's about the same time wherever you are, but anyway goodnight, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

i love my endo!

2008-04-22T23:16:00.002+08:00

today i had quite the unpleasant experience at a doctor's office.

i'm getting new insurance, and because i have diabetes they wanted me to go for a routine medical. okay, so i got over the bad mood i was in because of that, and because i felt labelled. and off i trotted to the doc's today.

to say i disliked the doctor is a understatement. the understatement of the day, in fact. let me explain why i'm so peeved with this fella.

i filled up a form with my medical history. obviously i had to write 'type 2 diabetes'. he took one look at it and said, "type 2 diabetes, so young?", in what i felt was a pretty condescending manner. note at this point, that i'm still a bit sore about diabetes at times, and boy, he didn't make it better.

i felt judged, and rather upset because of that. i mean, it's not like i totally brought it upon myself or intentionally did something to deserve it. nobody gets diabetes because they eat too much sugar. that was what the lovely diabetes nurse drilled into me since the day she came to see me in the hospital ward. doesn't he know that diabetes does not discriminate?

he then asked me a couple questions regarding any medical emergencies i was involved in. i mean i had to be honest, so i said i had been admitted to the ER with DKA the night i was diagnosed. immediately that fella said, "so you went into a coma?"and that sounded more like a statement than a question to me. he also tried to insist that i had asthma as a kid when i am 100% sure it was bronchitis. the 2 are related, but also different.

seriously, this is why i love my endo so much. she's followed up on my case pretty much since day 1, probably when i was still sedated and stuck in the ICU with tons of drips connected to me. she knows the full story and she knows that for four months i was an insulin-dependent diabetic with no confirmed diagnosis of type 1 or type 2 diabetes. she encourages me by reminding me of her other patients who got diagnosed with diabetes at the same age as i was diagnosed, and by telling me that they're doing well.

she knows that diabetes can affect anyone, it doesn't care how old or how young you are. and she'll never judge me based on that. she'll lecture me a bit if i don't care for myself but it is for my own good. she does what she does because she cares for me as a patient. and it's tough love sometimes, and i do get a bit antsy when it's time to see her, but it usually turns out pretty good in the end.

today i learned just how important it is to have a good doctor to take care of my diabetes. and boy, am i glad to have been blessed with not just the doctor who is reputed to be one of the best, but who is genuinely concerned about my welfare.