love me. love my diabetes.

dinner at a friend's house.
yummy chicken, beef and prawns cooked on the hotplate.
delicious chicken soup with wontons, veggies, more prawns, and other things.
carb splurge spent on a bite of mango pudding, a bite of chocolate cake and half a durian puff.

then the chilled bottle of red wine appeared on the table; how could i refuse a couple sips of the dark red cabernet merlot? i do enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, even though my metformin medication supposedly forbids it.

my friend pours me a little bit of wine into a a plastic cup. it's less than a quarter of the cup. and i sip it slowly, enjoying the fruity, mellow flavour of the wine. it's not too dry or bitter, and rather light, and i quite like it.

over drinks we begin talking about what a bunch of twenty-somethings inevitably talk about - relationships and the problems which come along with it.

right now i'm proud to declare here on the blogosphere that at the ripe of age of nearly twenty-one, i've never dated and that it doesn't bother me much most of the time. so as we chat, we dish out advice to each other. and we just...chat. just as friends do.

but that was then, and as i sit here now, i realize how diabetes changes my concept of dating. i don't mean that i don't want to meet a nice guy some day. because sometimes i do. as much as i would like to think that i am miss independent superwoman, i am not. and nature demands that i sometimes think about how nice it might be to meet mr. right someday.

but diabetes forces me to change my idea of who's the right guy for me.

you see, it's as simple as me not wanting to be a burden to him. because many times i fear that i'll fall critically ill and i will be a financial and emotional burden to the ones i love, future boyfriend/fiance/husband included. and i don't want that.

and so it's rather idealistic but simple to work out in the end - love me, love my diabetes. love me, love everything that i am and i have. and that includes my flaws, and diabetes is undoubtedly something he must live with because i need to live with it too.

and it's all part of loving me for who i am.

and with that, i conclude whatever i was thinking about in a part-drunken stupor (okay, i don't think i was drunk...it was just a little wine and a few sips of some disgusting vodka mixes the boys concocted).

beautiful no matter what they say.

i've been hanging out in my house today with america's next top model on youtube as my companion as i want my ankle to recuperate.

my favourite contestant on cycle 10 hands down is whitney! she's a US size 10, so she's not stick-skinny like the typical ANTM contestant, but she's gorgeous. i guess it's because she's so confident about her body shape. and she is really pretty to boot. another thing i like about her (but this might be a personal bias...) is that she's also an '87 baby!


i like this photo of her published in seventeen magazine when she won. check out the tiny bit of flesh jutting out just above the swimsuit bottom. it's like, hey...that's normal! it's something girls like me see every time we put on that swimsuit. the extra bits of flesh, hey i've got that too.

point is, i'm still learning that bigger can be beautiful. i'm not saying here that i don't need to lose weight - because the truth is, losing a few kilos would be really beneficial for my overall health. but i won't ever be wearing a size zero because of my bone/muscle structure. i do have a bigger frame than the average tiny asian girl i see walking around me.

i have strong arms and shoulders, muscular calves. but i do put on weight around my tummy easily. i have nice skin which freckles easily, something sunscreen lotion can easily curb unlike some i know who battle acne and skin problems.

i don't look nice when i wear shirts with horizontal stripes, but tank tops and tube tops show off my shoulders - tanned and getting toned from swimming as regularly as i can. i may not look like your average supermodel when i put on a figure-skimming dress, but there are clothes i can wear which make me look nice.

the truth is, i don't love myself enough. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes. but sometimes it takes watching a favourite tv show to remind me that pretty isn't about being a size zero or two. beauty is something that resonates within. that's something i need to learn and to remember everyday.

***




and then i look at some photos of my girlfriends and i. and i realize...we are all beautiful. and it's okay to have hang-ups about the way we look sometimes, because all of us do.

and you guys can take a look at these photos above... because you can clearly see that some of us are smaller, some bigger. some shorter, some taller. some of us have really small eyes, some have big eyes. and so on.

but the truth is ... whether we're all dressed up in our prettiest clothes, with makeup on our faces. or whether we're at a favourite restaurant celebrating a birthday and sticking out our tongues at the camera. we are all beautiful...not just physically, but in every aspect of the word. we're strong, graceful beautiful women.

and you know what i think the essence of beauty is right now?

there wouldn't be beauty if there wasn't the concept of difference. and if big = different, then by all means let me be the alternative 'beauty' i want to be.

long overdue.

in between summer term starting, and a whole lot of other things, i've barely had time to update. it's sunday night and i just had a delicious homecooked dinner of mince & potato casserole, salad and a slice of papaya after a day out at church and then to the movies after.

my gang and i celebrated two 21st birthdays recently, and it makes me so excited cos my own is coming up...and i decided to celebrate it with a small bang and have an afternoon tea party at one of my favourite restaurants with my dearest.

birthdays are all smiles and songs and laughter and joy, and i like them very much. probably cos they're a celebration of life, and after my own brush with death, i guess life becomes all the more precious, and worth celebrating!


the first was gabe's...and he's the guy in the striped polo tee sitting in the middle. somehow along the way i got roped into planning his wedding-like birthday bash and gosh it was terribly stressful sometimes, but seeing the whole plan come into action was probably the nicest present the few of us could give...aside from the cologne i ran around town hunting for, which was his 'official' birthday gift from us.


the second was estrella's, and she's somewhere at the back of this photograph. we couldn't celebrate on her actual birthday as she wasn't free, so we planned a surprise birthday party for her at swensen's, mainly because one of her favourite things ever is ice cream! and yes, we did pull the surprise off pretty darn well, we made a lot of noise, confused the waiters with our orders, and indulged in some wicked good sundaes (yes, i had some too! leeched off my friends, of course.)

friends, what would i do without them? we don't talk about my diabetes much. and i know they forget about it sometimes. they forget...so very often. offer me sips of regular soda, and so on. but when and if something major happens, i've got many shoulders to lean on, many arms to hold me close and tell me everything will be okay, many lips to offer me encouragement, many ears to listen.

and i know too well that they don't understand the struggles i sometimes face with dealing with diabetes, because it's something they've no need to go through. and that's what you guys are for. i may not post often, and i may have temporarily dropped out of the D365 project because of some camera woes, but i treasure your blogs, your writings, and the fact that even though we are geographically far apart, we share the common bond of diabetes and the ups and downs it brings us.

daena the grouch.

1. i've been having issues with the person in the mirror of late, as we all do. some more often than others, i've come to realize. being rather jealous of skinny friends who can put on anything and look good does not make it better, neither does going to get a new pair of skinny jeans and having the lady tell me they've run out of my size do much for my self-esteem. perhaps i've not been exercising enough lately and have become a bit more flabby. time to kick my lazy arse off the chair. it's not a healthy thing to think, but lately i've been thinking that i'm ugly because i'm not thin enough. i know it's not good, so i must kick myself out of this slump. i may be a chubby size 12 or 14, but i can't be that ugly, can i?

2. i'm still searching for new insurance after the one i originally applied for bulked up my premium. does diabetes make me such a liability? it made me feel a little less human and more like some sickly specimen, which totally frustrates me. i am human. i just have a silly pancreas which decided over time to run out of steam and break down. i've to meet another agent on friday, and i'm getting the jitters.

3. summer term starts next week. i must bid my days of sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing productive goodbye.

4. i can't find my swimsuit. and swimming is my favourite workout of late because i love feeling my heart pumping and my shoulders and legs burning after each lap. and it keeps raining lately, when all i want is my sunshine and my pool time. give me the pool over the running track anyday. or the treadmill for that matter.

so that's today's round of complaints and rants. maybe life will get better soon.

the party planner.

so i've been back from KL for about a week and i've been kept rather busy because somehow i unwittingly got myself roped in to help out with my friend mega 21st birthday bash.

when i say mega, i mean MEGA. it's huge! i became his unofficial secretary, and i was put to work compiling the guest list and calling up people.

then another friend of ours asked me for help with the photo montage slideshow the birthday boy's mum requested, since my laptop is the one with all the photos. it looks swell now, that it's just about finished.

and now we're ironing out the final details of the flow of the party which is on saturday night.

it's tremendously tiring and that birthday boy should give us a treat with the birthday money he's bound to receive. (:

in other news, i can't seem to find my swimsuit, but the sky's so grey i think i might opt for the gym or the elliptical machine instead today.

so i've packed my bag and i'm ready to go.

off to kuala lumpur, malaysia for a short trip tomorrow afternoon. packed my stuff, and i'm ready to go after church tomorrow. it should be rather fun, so i'll be back with pictures on wednesday evening or thursday morning.

love, hugs and gummy bears,
dae.

fear, overthrown.

perhaps it's this sudden onset of goodness-knows-what allergy which is messing with my head, but i just have to blog about this random thought.

suddenly, i realize i'm rather afraid of people i don't know well finding out i have diabetes. and type 2 diabetes at that.

people who already know me well don't matter. i know they'll see me through this life. i know they understand when i check if diet sodas are available at restaurants when we eat out, they understand whenever i ask a cafe waiter if the iced tea is pre-sweetened. they understand why i factor so much workout time into my schedule and don't complain when i'm late for appointments because i had to shower after a kickboxing session. see, they know and they understand. they don't blink an eye when i whip out my meter and give myself a quick finger prick, neither do they say anything when i discreetly pop a pill after dinner.

and they treat me just like i've always been treated - with much love and affection.

mostly, what i fear is the judgment that comes with having type 2 diabetes. i've said it before, and this is something i truly grapple with so much.

if i tell someone i have diabetes, what if they conclude that i brought it upon myself? what if they conclude that i deserve diabetes? sometimes i feel that if i had type 1 diabetes, things would be easier. i'd just have to explain that my beta cells started attacking each other. but type 2 diabetes is linked to my weight, it's hereditary, and it's been proven that asians are more likely to get it. does it mean i deserve it?

point is, nobody with type 2 diabetes deserves the condition. there are so many overweight people who do not have type 2 diabetes. would you say they deserve diabetes too?

in any case, diabetes is part of my life right now. it has been for the past one year and one month of my existence. nothing i do will make it go away. but the lifestyle i choose to lead will make my life a lot better.

it doesn't mean i won't be stealing two bites of chocolate cake. or indulging in something naughty like fried calamari rings now and then. it doesn't mean that i'll slack off on a workout once in a while. it just means that my health takes the spotlight in my life.

and judge me you may. and words may hurt more than sticks and stones. but it matters not when i see things in perspective. it matters not when i know for a fact that my fears are not going to govern my life.

it matters not when i know i've fought this far, and i can't lose steam because there are so many years to go.