fear, overthrown.

perhaps it's this sudden onset of goodness-knows-what allergy which is messing with my head, but i just have to blog about this random thought.

suddenly, i realize i'm rather afraid of people i don't know well finding out i have diabetes. and type 2 diabetes at that.

people who already know me well don't matter. i know they'll see me through this life. i know they understand when i check if diet sodas are available at restaurants when we eat out, they understand whenever i ask a cafe waiter if the iced tea is pre-sweetened. they understand why i factor so much workout time into my schedule and don't complain when i'm late for appointments because i had to shower after a kickboxing session. see, they know and they understand. they don't blink an eye when i whip out my meter and give myself a quick finger prick, neither do they say anything when i discreetly pop a pill after dinner.

and they treat me just like i've always been treated - with much love and affection.

mostly, what i fear is the judgment that comes with having type 2 diabetes. i've said it before, and this is something i truly grapple with so much.

if i tell someone i have diabetes, what if they conclude that i brought it upon myself? what if they conclude that i deserve diabetes? sometimes i feel that if i had type 1 diabetes, things would be easier. i'd just have to explain that my beta cells started attacking each other. but type 2 diabetes is linked to my weight, it's hereditary, and it's been proven that asians are more likely to get it. does it mean i deserve it?

point is, nobody with type 2 diabetes deserves the condition. there are so many overweight people who do not have type 2 diabetes. would you say they deserve diabetes too?

in any case, diabetes is part of my life right now. it has been for the past one year and one month of my existence. nothing i do will make it go away. but the lifestyle i choose to lead will make my life a lot better.

it doesn't mean i won't be stealing two bites of chocolate cake. or indulging in something naughty like fried calamari rings now and then. it doesn't mean that i'll slack off on a workout once in a while. it just means that my health takes the spotlight in my life.

and judge me you may. and words may hurt more than sticks and stones. but it matters not when i see things in perspective. it matters not when i know for a fact that my fears are not going to govern my life.

it matters not when i know i've fought this far, and i can't lose steam because there are so many years to go.

ten things meme.

naomi tagged me for this. great for some late night blogging!

so for your reading pleasure, here are ten weird things about me. (:

1: my favourite source of protein is chicken. followed closely by tofu. i always eat chicken whenever i have a choice. strangely enough, my favourite part is the breast, which is notorious for being dry and tough. but when cooked well, it's really yummy, plus it's nice and lean, and therefore, healthy! i especially like my chicken roasted, and eaten with a big, colourful salad.

2: i don't wear the colour grey at all; i just don't like the way it looks on me. i think it's just one of those colours that don't flatter me. oh well, can't ask for everything, can i?

3: once i cried on christmas day because everyone got me books. i know i love to read, but as a kid, getting a big stack of books for christmas and nothing else was rather tragic. you know how much variety matters to an 8-year-old.

4: i'm terrible at reading maps. just recently, i nearly got a friend and myself lost on the way to somewhere we'd never been before because i misread the directions on the map. okay, let's just say i lack a sense of direction. ;)

5: i wear glasses by choice instead of contact lenses. this is because i've got really sensitive eyes which get itchy rather easily. wearing glasses may be a hassle at times coz they get in my way when i'm playing sports or working out, but i'd rather live with the hassle than to risk infecting and irritating my eyes when wearing contact lenses. anyway the frames they make nowadays are so funky and i definitely don't have a problem with that!

6: i adore chick flicks! a good chick flick makes me feel all warm and bubbly inside, and i leave the cinema or turn off my dvd player with a big grin on my face. chick flicks are made even better when watched with a bunch of girlfriends. some favourites are 13 going on 30 and bridget jones' diary.

7: i do not own a single dress, and neither do i plan to invest in one anytime soon. i wear skirts once in a while, but dresses are way too feminine for my liking. my friends are always trying to find excuses to talk me into getting one. the fact that most of my nearest and dearest are turning 21 this year seems to be one of their biggest ploys; they claim i need to wear dresses to parties. but i maintain that i can look pretty in pants too.

8. i love spicy food, i don't tolerate it too well sometimes, but i eat it anyway because it's way tasty. and then i start tearing at the dinner table and my nose starts running. it makes me look terrible. but i really love food doused in spicy curries and chilli sauces! my favourite is thai tom yum soup, which always makes me cry!

9: my favourite comics are baby blues and peanuts. baby blues never fails to make me laugh, and i really love zoe and hammie's antics. and there's this innocent old-school charm about peanuts, plus i love linus and his blanket!

10: i hate hairdressers who try to push me into straightening or rebonding my hair. it's a silly idea to do so when i can get round my wavy hair problem by getting a cute short cut. plus, it's bothersome to mess with what nature has given me. if a hairdresser tries to talk me into rebonding my hair, i never go back to that salon. good thing i've found a really nice lady who's a great hairdresser.

i'm not tagging anyone because i'm too tired to think, so goodnight. i'll update more soon. (:

of relief and camps.

comes three hours after a dinner i felt totally guilty about even thinking of eating.

beef pepper rice with cheese and brownie cheesecake. but if that is what a night out with some of my uni mates includes, so be it.

but the 5.0mmol (90mg/dl) i see right now, three hours later, is such a relief. tomorrow it's back to healthy low-carb eating. maybe it's the walk around town we had after dinner, and the fact that i had to walk home from the bus stop...that took me 10 minutes, which isn't a long time, but maybe it helped.

and i'll be running around with a bunch of 11-year-olds this weekend at camp wacky, which is a three day/two night camp my church organized for the 11-year-old kids, and which i'm helping out at. that should help me expand a bunch of energy.

we'll be playing lots of games, and i will be pretty busy running about doing stuff. i love camps like these (okay we're not camping in the wilderness, but i guess you get the idea) because they are so much fun. plus, i don't mind helping out whenever possible because it's a nice thing to do, and it's honestly a fun and healthy way to keep me occupied!

hopefully it won't have much of a bearing on my blood sugar. but i intend to keep a waist pouch with cellphone, coin purse, meter and snack/emergency sugar stashed in it strapped on at all times, because helping to run a camp involves some pretty crazy eating times and lots of moving around. i've not had a low in a long time, but i cannot rule out the possibility. plus it's always great to be prepared.

when i wake up i have a bunch of chores to do, and i'll be busy all evening too as i've just started tutoring a bunch of seven-year-old kids at a social work agency for free in english and math. i'll be away at camp all weekend and on sunday night after camp breaks, i've a 21st birthday bash to attend. so i'll be busy busy busy.

it's a good thing anyway, cos i love being busy! i just have to remember to take great care of my health while i'm at it. (:

such special people

by some magical stroke of luck, chance, or as i'd like to see it, grace, my grandmother was warded at the ward i was released from one year ago.

she threw up blood clots on saturday night while i was out with my buddies, and my brother who was at home had to call the ambulance to get her to the emergency room. she's had some ulcers in her stomach which were bleeding and that is fixed. she might get discharged tomorrow, and i've got my fingers crossed.

my mom and aunt came home last night and told me, "your grandma's in the ward where you're famous."

it didn't really click at first because she was supposed to go to another ward after stepping down from the high dependency unit, but somehow landed there.

so this morning, my aunt and i went to visit her. it was strange, and sweet to see all the familiar faces! they didn't recognise me. i could walk past most of the nurses without having them recognise my face, which was really quite cool.

those ward nurses are such special people. let's see, i was not the easiest or most cooperative patient. i was recovering from a rather extensive surgery and i'd just been diagnosed with diabetes. on top of that, i'd also somehow wound up with a foot drop affecting my right foot. of course i was crying when they changed the wound dressing, and of course i made noise whenever it was time for an insulin shot. and to top it off, i'm a real nosey parker. anything they wanted to do to me, or feed me would duly be questioned.

but the nurses were really awesomely patient with me! despite the fact that i was such a difficult patient to take care of. they also managed to tolerate the noise generated by my many visitors and my mom's daily interrogation. plus, i think they really pampered me! (:

so that's why, even though they probably won't come across this entry, they totally deserve it. it's not easy being a nurse, because from what i observe it's a busy and stressful kind of job. and yet one year on i see most of them still there, slogging it out. giving injections, administering cupfulls of medicine, answering patient calls and dealing with family members. nurses are awesome people. because let's face the harsh truth - hospitals everywhere would be a totally nasty place without them.

being a girl...

sometimes does not have its merits.

do not get me wrong. i love the fact that i'm the most pampered member of my family aside from sydney the guinea pig princess. i love getting to dress up for no reason. i love make up and girl talk over coffee, shoes and bags and everything nice with sugar and spice.

but i don't enjoy my female status once a month. when my best friend comes for a visit. she makes me a grumpy, irritable and perpetually hungry person. she messes with my blood sugar and gives me a bit of a hard time dealing with the small, but noticeable and annoying swings. she makes me crave chocolate, ice cream and potato chips. she makes me tired and lazy, and i don't want to go to the gym.

this time round it's made worse by the fact that i want to go on a trip to kuala lumpur with my friends, to help out another church run a children's programme for their church retreat. my parents issued me this ultimatum of sorts - that i can't go if another girl doesn't go. because currently if i go, i'll have three guys as my companions.

i should right now let you know that i live in asia and i am asian. and we function rather differently when it comes to family and culture. i may not have m uentioned that most of us live with our parents until we get married, and that family ties are typically very close. hence my need to ask my parents if i can go away for a little while with a bunch of friends. my girlfriends too, do face similar problems with their parents. and it's just the nature of my culture, which is something i respect, but which frustrates me at times.

i'm just feeling rather frustrated at this point in time, because hello, it's my twenty-first year on earth, and i'm old enough to take care of myself. on one hand i want to respect and honour my parents, but on the other, i want to be more independent. not that i am not, because i live with them but more or less do most things on my own, but from my perspective, perhaps they could loosen up a little. at the same time, i did complain to a friend over msn messenger about this and she says that at least my parents care. that i cannot deny.

on the other hand, i do understand why they want me to have a female companion. it's more or less due to the fact that there is safety in numbers, and that when we go out of the hotel to roam around, it's safer to have someone of the same gender with me when i use public restrooms and stuff. kuala lumpur is not exactly the safest place in the universe, and i understand that. it's also because i don't know anyone from the other church, and it would be easier to sort out our rooming issues.

in any case i have to head to bed right now because my grandmother was hospitalized again for a bleeding stomach ulcer and my aunt and i have to go see her tomorrow. and because my monthly best friend has arrived and is giving my abdominals a heck of a hard time. so goodnight, and i hope things will be better.

let this never end.

i've been enjoying myself SOOO much these last couple of days!

i love, love, love vacation time. and i'm trying to relish it before my inter semester class (read: voluntary summer school) starts in the middle of june.

on monday, there was karaoke with my uni mates. it was wild, cheesy fun, singing all kinds of mandarin pop tunes at the top of our lungs, screaming at each other and in general just being silly.

on tuesday, i proceeded to be a total bum. but i was disappointed when trev, my hip hop dance instructor didn't turn up and the gym had to cancel the class. nobody knew though and we all went home rather upset. i hope he's back next week.

on thursday, i went out for a sushi buffet with my friends. now i know all about being a naughty diabetic. because i threw away all notions of counting carbs for those two hours of bliss. white japanese rice is like, the yummiest thing on earth. i did limit my sushi intake and i refused to order any handrolls because those hold just too much rice. i enjoyed lots of the side dishes - edamame, chawanmushi and fried tofu. and throwing all caution to the wind, i had a lychee flavoured ice cream mochi for dessert. yummy!

today (friday), a few friends and i went out to get birthday and mother's day presents. i had the most delicious vegetarian minestrone soup for lunch, which was lipsmackingly healthy and chock full of zucchini, kidney beans, celery, carrot and cabbage bits. we even got new earrings! i love shopping for gifts and making people smile. i'll reveal bits of it on diabetes 365 soon, as soon as i get my camera rolling again.

tomorrow, i'll have a healthy breakfast, go for some kickboxing class action and then head to church for a friend's baptism.

which reminds me, i better go start wrapping all the gifts i need to wrap!

scorched.

the weather is getting really, really warm here. i don't mean tropical warm, like it usually is. the sun is scorching! it totally reminds me of aussie summers, there is nothing but blue sky, which is really pretty, but also, scorching heat!

i was playing tennis with some buddies yesterday and all three of us gave up 45 minutes into our two-hour game. it was madness. we'd not played for a few weeks, which made all three of us play net ball (get it?) rather than tennis. even the water cooler was spouting room temperature (instead of icy cold) water, which made us just feel sick. the swig of icy water my friend gave me later on was so much of a relief.

this heat is making me sluggish. the only exercise i want to do is to go swimming because it means being immersed in cool water, which sadly, isn't that cool. i want to drink cold diet coke and eat frozen yoghurt popsicles all day long. or crank up the air conditioning and stay in the cold comfort of my room.

thankfully though, there IS air conditioning, and i keep my hair short (don't need to keep tying it up in a ponytail or bun) and that i just discovered some relatively low-carb frozen yoghurt popsicles which have 10g of carbs each. and that the gym is air-conditioned, and so are the dance studios where i attend dance and kickboxing lessons. these are really little things to be thankful for.

but for now, let me crank up my air conditioning, and grab another cold diet coke. that's relief, right now, right here.

my grey's anatomy moment.

my granny was warded a few days ago. she was found to be anemic and had to stay in the hospital for observation as she'd collapsed at home. my mom just brought her back home, so all is going fine.
anyway because the hospital couldn't get her a bed anywhere else, she was placed in the gynaecology ward. and right outside her room was the nursery, with all the wee little newborn babies.

whenever i went to see her, i found myself drawn to the nursery window. the babies in there obviously change rather frequently, as the new mommies get to go home just a few days after delivering.

you cannot look at babies and not feel slightly happier. the fact that their only worry is that they're hungry, or that their nappy is soiled somehow rubs off on you. you watch them yawn, wriggle their tiny fingers and tiny toes, and once in a while start to generate lots of noise. you look at them and decide which one you think is the cutest. even the nurses in there who checked on the babies every now and then were smiling at them.

ah, those little cuties. for the record, i've decided that newborns are indeed quite cute, but only when they're not generating noise. i still don't like them much when they go "waaaaaaaaaaa!"

anyway i remembered how meredith and george in grey's anatomy used to go watch the babies whenever they were upset. and how they'd walk away at least slightly happier. now i understand why.

baby therapy, you should try it!